If you're gonna break the fourth wall, at least rebuild it, damn it!
by cumui
Summary: In a land without a 4th wall and a time of dick jokes, the destiny of Sakata Gintoki rests on the shoulders of a young fanfic writer! That means crazy writer decides to send the characters to the real world. A war against Sorachi-sensei is about to begin. Hijigin stuff.
1. 1st Rule

**Rule Number I: Writers shouldn't stick their noses into characters' business**

Hijikata Toshiro certainly had had better days. For example, he had days he did not open his eyes to another fucking fanfiction, for fuck's sake! He really had gotten tired of this. Every time some crazy fujoshi girl started to write, he would end up in weird situations with some certain stupid sugar addict. Wait that was the original Gintama and the one who was writing it wasn't a crazy fujoshi fangirl but it was an old man-gorilla! The difference between the writings of an old-man gorilla and a crazy fujoshi was the amount of this and that happening between Hijikata and that damn Yorozuya which was not something Hijikata was a fan of. "AT LEAST MAKE IT IN CHARACTER YOU STUPID WRITER! DAMN IT, I'LL KILL YOU!" he growled to the skies and caused a passing mother and child to give him weird looks. His growl also caused a poop to land on his face since he angered the holy and powerful fanfiction writer.

Cleaning his face with a napkin, he stopped at the most sacred place on earth which was nothing more than a restaurant that serve delicious Hijikata Special. Place smelt like paradise and old hag who was going to serve his food seemed like Buddha himself. While he was sitting on his usual spot, he got rid of all the unnecessary thoughts such as natural permed good for nothings and fanfictions, and started thinking about mayonnaise and how great it is, how much of a universal power it holds. When his bowl arrived he was making plans to take over the Bakufu with mayonnaise bombs and turn Edo into Mayo. "Thanks, Buddha." he said, without realizing he said Buddha instead of old hag. He was just about to start eating when something terrible, terrible happened. _No, not now._

"Hijikata-san, Hijikata-san I have something to tell you." Sougo's voice echoed through the walls of the restaurant and then Hijikata heard a whisper. "Jump off a cliff and dieeeee."

"I'm not Hijikata, I'm his long lost twin brother, whazzup? Leave me alone you brat!" Ignoring Sougo, he started eating his Hijikata Special and he wondered what had he done to deserve this on his precious day off.

"I have another thing to tell you, Hijikata-san. Hang yourself and dieeeeee." whispered Sougo again. This was getting pretty annoying but when all things considered, restaurant was still standing and it wasn't shot by a bazooka.

"I'm not Hijikata, I'm his ghost. Drown yourself and die or I'll curse you for seven generations."

"Lose your dick and die."

"Losing my dick won't make me death."

"Have a heart attack."

"Have a brain."

"Run out of all the mayo in the world."

"OI TAKE THAT BACK!" yelled Hijikata and he face palmed, frustrated. "Don't you have better things to do? Go play with poisonous insects or something." All he wanted was some peace with his Hijikata Special and it was gone thanks to this brat. "Why are you here anyway?" he asked and continued eating.

Sougo seemed like he just remembered something he forgot and started talking in his usual calm voice. "I actually do have something to tell you. It's about Danna."

"Wha abot 'im?" Hijikata tried asking with a mouth full of Hijikata Special and a plain face.

"It seems he has disappeared without a trace. That china girl and glasses came to the station today and they were worried and stuff. I thought you would like to take over the case since you and Danna got along so well and I can go slack off."

In normal circumstances, Hijikata would tell Sougo that he was on his day off and to deal with this himself but there was an obvious truth that even a stubborn person like Hijikata couldn't deny and that was the fact that he owed the bastard. Also the thought of him being choked to death on his own vomit from drinking too much wasn't the best mental image either. Maybe he died of high sugar intake. Hijikata knew Gint-… that bastard was strong but maybe they got him drugged and he was getting raped right now. Maybe all three happened at the same time! While the urge to hurry up and find him taking over his body, he started running to the Shinsengumi quarters. Unfinished Hijikata Special was totally forgotten on the table.

When he finally arrived at the quarters after a while that seemed like a hundred years to Hijikata, he saw two extremely worried China and glasses sitting on the main entrance of the station. He lighted a cigarette and walked towards them carefully to not make them realize how worried he actually was.

"So when was the last time you brats saw him?" he asked calmly, not movie Dumbledore-like calmly but actually calmly.

"Toshiii!" China yelled getting up, apparently happy to see someone who could actually help her.

"Who are ya callin' Toshi?!"

"It was four days ago, Hijikata-san." said glasses. "He went on a job himself because our client asked for him to come alone claiming that it was a business that must remain secret therefore less people knew, better it would be."

"Do you know anything about this client?"

"Unfortunately we don't. Gin-san was the one who did the talking and he didn't tell anything to us."

"I tried finding him with Sadaharu but he brought me to a trash can-aru!" said China girl with tears beginning to form in her eyes.

"Don't make it sound like Gin-san is trash, Kagura-chan."

Knowing this China girl was so clever that she once put the plate she shouldn't break under her feet and step on it when they were playing with Yagyuu clan, Hijikata thought he should learn more about this trash can.

"Take me to this trash can."

Trash can was located in a little bit away from the Edo's center. It was standing in front of a group of regular houses and there wasn't anything that looked suspicious or out of the ordinary. Hijikata stopped the car when they saw the trash can and walked towards it.

"Do you think… do you think Gin-chan turned into a trash can-aru?" Kagura looked at the can and said "Gin-chaaan, can you hear me?"

Hijikata was about to roll his eyes but then he remembered he once turned into a screwdriver so he chose not to. He kicked the trash can and yelled "Yorozuya, did you finally decide to take your true form?" There was no answer from the can. Hijikata had given up on the trash and he went over to the nearest house to question the people who lived there to learn whether they have seen or heard anything out of the ordinary in the last four days. He knocked on the door but there was no answer. "Open up, it's Shinsengumi!"

"Toshi, it's Gin-chan! He is inside the house and he is fainted but he is breathing." yelled China girl, looking inside the house from a barred window. Her voice was extremely worried.

"Damn it, I'm breaking my way in." Hijikata said and he hit the door with all his might. This wasn't good. He needed to get in right now or it might be too late. Kagura ran towards him to help and both of them backed away from the door a little bit and then ran towards it again only to fall on their butts. "AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaa!" Both were overwhelmed by mixed feelings of fear and frustration but they continued hitting the door and hurting themselves until they heard Shinpachi's voice.

"Hijikata-san, Kagura-chan! There is a back door here!"

They were feeling like idiots when they were running the the back door but they didn't care in the slightest because both of them had only one thing in their mind. The door wasn't locked which was really strange considering how secure the front door was but this wasn't the time to worry about that. They easily got in the house. If Hijikata was a normal man who hadn't spent his life fighting with all kinds of things, this place would scare the shit out of him. The floor was covered in blood and there were all kinds of weapon everywhere but it seemed no one but Gintoki was there in the room. He was lying on the center of the room, covered in blood. Hijikata felt his stomach doing a back flip with fear. While he was running to him he was trying his best to keep his cool but he wasn't doing his best job. He kneeled down and put his hand under Gintoki's head and said "Yoroz-… Gintoki! Can you hear me? Gintoki!" Hijikata knew it would be easier for someone who is fainted or is shocked to come to their senses when they were called by their name therefore he shook Gintoki's head harder and he leaned into his ear and yelled "SAKATA GINTOKI!"

Gintoki opened his eyes slowly, coughed blood with a sad smile on his lips and then he said "THE HELL ARE YOU YELLING FOR, DAMN MAYORA?!" Hijikata, Kagura and Shinpachi were totally startled. Gintoki realized the position of Hijikata's hands and how close they stood then he grinned. "What is it, Hijikata-kun? Don't tell me you were about to kiss me! Gin-san will be very embarrassed if you start kissing him in front of the kids ya know."

Hijikata couldn't speak for a minute. When his brain finally perceived that Gintoki was somehow okay and he already started talking nonsense like the idiot he is, Hijikata was relieved so he immediately let go of him and said "Who would kiss your ugly face?! I would rather kiss a baboon's asshole instead of kissing you!"

"Oh so you like assholes? That's so gay."

"I don't like assholes, you asshole! I like assholes that are tight!"

…

Kagura and Shinpachi sent Hijikata reproachful glances for a few seconds and then Hijikata finally realized what he just said. "I mean… I DON'T LIKE ASSHOLES! I'LL KILL YOU!"

Gintoki looked scared for the first time since they got here and whispered "Don't yell, you idiot! She may come back."

"Who?" Shinpachi asked.

"Who do you think? The writer of this damn fanfiction!"

"The hell does the writer doing here? I thought she was in front of her laptop, going through hijigin tag on tumblr or something!"

"So the writer kidnapped you, Gin-chan? Don't worry, we'll save you-aru!" Kagura took the fighting stance with a determined look. She was ready to defend her precious Gin-chan no matter how strong this writer might be.

"Well first of all she didn't kidnap me. All she did was saying she was going to pay me if I stayed with her for a few days without telling anyone and I was like okay this is easy money but man, she is such a pain in the ass. I can't stand her! All she does all day is crying and hugging me and telling me that I didn't deserve any of these and it wasn't my fault. Apparently she reads the manga so she knows… things…"

Hijikata was a bit confused. "So she didn't hurt you?"

"Hurt me?" Gintoki laughed. "No way. See the blood on the floor? That's not even blood, it's fucking ketchup! And those weapons, they are fucking toys! She put them herself to make the readers think I was really kidnapped. So get out of here before she comes back and you ruin my job, you idiots!"

"Gin-chan, I baked you muffins~" An unfamiliar sing-song toned voice was heard and then a girl with pink hair entered into the room. Gintoki face palmed.


	2. 2nd Rule

**Rule Number II: Be careful when you're going to the reality because it sucks!**

As soon as pink haired girl saw Hijikata, Kagura and Shinpachi were there, she dropped the plate with muffins on the floor and walked towards them with an astonished expression on her face. There was a moment where none of them didn't say anything and shared empty looks with each other.

"Three…two... one…" Gintoki counted down with an exasperated voice and he covered his ears with his hands and then suddenly, a high pitched scream filled out the entire room.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH IT'S HIJIKATA, KAGURA, AND SHINPACHI I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T!" Pink haired girl who was the actual writer of this pretty random story was making weird hand gestures and bouncing like she couldn't handle seeing some of her favorite characters in the same room with herself. Of course she knew they were going to come since she was the fucking writer but she had to admit she wasn't prepared for this. "MY BABIES!" she cried and hugged them all three at the same time.

"Calm down, please, writer-san." said Shinpachi and the writer let them go. "You seem to know a lot about us but unfortunately we don't know anything about you. So can you introduce yourself, please?" He was trying his best not to sound rude as the kind person he was while Kagura and Gintoki were picking their noses.

"Glasses is right. And add why you're here and have done all these too, while you're at it." Hijikata was annoyed by this girl. Like making all these seem like she kidnapped Yorozuya wasn't enough, she was acting like their childhood friend all of a sudden. Also didn't she have anything better to do than writing this shitty fanfiction?

"No, I didn't have anything better than writing this shitty fanfiction, Hijikata and yes, I can read your mind. You can call me Mizu, it's the Japanese translation of my real name, according to Google Translate. I tried taking Japanese course but damn uni canceled the class. Anyway, I'm -unfortunately- from the real world. I like sweets, animals, cold weathers, and torturing myself. Nice to meet you!" Mizu bowed down as the fucking weaboo trash she was.

"One of those traits was not like the others." Shinpachi was playing his straight man role again but Mizu ignored him just like a professional Gintama character and continued "I made it look like I kidnapped Gİn-chan because I needed to gather all of you guys here for one purpose." She stopped talking for a moment, waiting for all the characters to appreciate her words and show signs of amazement or at least curiosity but all that happened was Gintoki finally finding a booger in his nose and wiping it on Kagura's hair. "I gathered you here because… Ya all sons of bitches are going to the reality!"

Silence filled the room like a drunkard's pee filled their pants, comprising every person in the place and slowing the seconds down to drag on like hours. Or at least that was the effect that Mizu wanted to force on others who seem to not be interested in any of these. Gintoki was the one who broke the silence. "No, thanks."

"I'll pass." Kagura added.

"Shut up, you're going to the reality if I say so! I'm the one in control here, I'm the writer, damn it!" Mizu laughed wickedly before she talked again. However her laugh wasn't as professional as Kira's evil laugh in Death Note. "It's not like you have any other choice anyway."

"What do you want us to do in the reality, Mizu-san?" asked Shinpachi, sounding a little worried as he didn't like this idea much like the rest of the characters.

"Now that, Patsuan, is pretty simple. You're going to assassinate Sorachi Hideaki!" Mizu explained and looked at each of the characters evilly, waiting for a response. Shinpachi was the first to react.

"I'm sorry, Mizu-san. My ears must be going bad because I just thought you said you want us to assassinate our creator. Silly me." He laughed in denial while he looked at the others, expecting them to back him up. He checked around to see a banner that says all of these were just a prank but there was nothing like a banner nor a mischief expression on any one of them.

"You didn't hear it wrong, Shinpachi. Your mission is to assassinate Sorachi-sensei or you can never become fiction again, you'll be stuck in reality which really sucks. Why the hell do you think I'm writing this fanfiction, for fuck's sake? To avoid reality and the void in my soul! Because reality, my children, is a terrible and boring thing that doesn't even make any sense. Yeah, that's how reality is! You don't want to be stuck there, do you? Also I'm so done with that gorilla of a writer and a year worth of pain. As soon as you kill that bastard, I'll be the god damn manga-ka of Gintama!"

Hijikata was looking at Mizu like she had gone mental while Gintoki was still picking his nose. Eventually Gintoki was the one who spoke. "This weird girl is making sense. Since when we had a good time, relaxing at Yorozuya, huh? All that gorilla ever did was changing Gintama's genre from comedy to angst! Do you know how many chapters has it been since I drank strawberry milk? I stopped counting after one-hundred and thirty six! I missed so many issues of Jump too. It's bad, it's really bad. Uggghhhh I'm with you, weirdy, let's assassinate that bastard!"

Mizu was about to smile proudly at Gintoki when Hijikata spoke. "Oi, oi, wait a minute! Do you actually think that changing our creator is a good idea? Are you stupid or something? What makes you think this girl will be a better writer than our gorilla? She is just a weird girl who writes fanfiction, damn it!"

"I'll make you own your own mayonnaise factory, Hijikata." said Mizu, temptingly.

"I was just saying that this girl is a total genius with a great potential to be a manga-ka. When are we going?" Hijikata looked around to see a portal or something that will open to reality.

"HE CHANGED HIS MIND WAY TOO QUICKLY!" Shinpachi yelled.

"I want sukonbu packages worth 50000 yen-aru!"

"I'll get you guys all you want once you assassinate Sorachi-sensei." Assured Mizu and smiled at all of them. "Though there is a ritual you must do to go to reality." Her voice was deadly serious now. "This is a ritual that passed down by my ancestors and by their ancestors. It involves very dangerous acts that must be done very carefully. Kagura, you must play Sougo's maid for three days. Shinpachi, you must exhibit your kinky manga collection in public. As for Hijikata and Gin-chan, they will pose together for a yaoi magazine's cover!"

An evil aura started to spread out from all of them and then they got closer to Mizu. They all acted synchronously and smiled like a psychopath as they took out their weapons and pointed those at the writer. "Oooorrr on a second thought, I can just send you to reality with my writer power." offered Mizu, trying not to sound terrified.

"Yeah, you do that." said all of them at the same time. Mizu was a bit disappointed that her sadistic plan didn't work but she decided to send them anyway. She looked at the ceiling as if she could see beyond and yelled, "SO LET THE SORACHI ASSASSINATION ARC BEGIN!"

* * *

Thanks anyone who follows or comments this weird story. It means a lot! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧


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